Weddings have changed a lot over the years and many traditions and rules of etiquette have changed as well. Not so long ago, people never would have dreamt of things like brightly colored wedding dresses and exchanging wedding jewelry other than rings. Today, we’ve accepted that a wedding doesn’t have to be about adhering to strict traditions; it should be a reflection of that individual couple.
While weddings have certainly become more relaxed and flexible, there are still some gray areas. One of the most hotly debated is whether or not it is acceptable for a couple to specifically request money as a gift.
There are plenty of reasons why a couple might prefer money as opposed to gifts. Many couples today get married after living together for months or even years. Others get married after they have lived on their own for a long time and they’re already merging two households worth of stuff. They simply don’t need the housewares and home goods people normally give as wedding gifts. While they may not need another blender, they likely need home repairs, help with a down payment, lawn services, or other things that simply cannot be traditionally gifted.
On the other hand, there is a huge stigma when it comes to even discussing money, much less asking for it as a gift. The traditional view is that money should never be mentioned. It is seen as being presumptuous and rude by many etiquette experts, partly because it implies the couples expect a gift.
Historically, gift-giving is seen as something both parties know will happen, but which no one is meant to discuss openly. The wedding registry itself was introduced in 1924 and was, at that time, only used to distaste which china pattern the couple preferred. People claimed including anything else would be seen as the couple indicating gifts were expected in exchange for being invited t the wedding and reception. On the other hand, letting people know what you need was the only way to avoid getting gifts that weren’t right or which a couple already owned.
While it didn’t take long for wedding registries to be seen as a good thing, they were still included without comment or fanfare. The premise remained the same – don’t mention gifts directly. These days, couples don’t think twice about including the details of which stores they have registered with, but still balk at the idea of asking for money directly.
So what’s the right answer? Is the problem that a couple is asking for money or is it how they’re asking?
In the end, specifying any gift can be seen as a bit forward and rude, which makes asking for money a touchy subject. However, as couples are marrying later, so are their needs, and being upfront about what they want or need helps guests when choosing gifts. The best bet is to be direct and polite. Something as simple as ‘While no gifts are expected, monetary gifts are preferred as we save for our home / honeymoon / whatever”. Couples should also include a traditional registry, even if it only has a few items on it. This will allow guests to have a better idea of what you want or need and won’t make them feel as though a gift of money is their only option.
